Text funnies
"Good morning esteemed associate lawyer Francis....I feel a wee bit tired today to answer your questions about our new client from the Holy Land, plus I have an all-day pub crawl and Cape Graceland client year-end lunch party today, so I am not in a stable state of mind or body right now.
Divorce - Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
I'll tell you some personal things about me: Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. That's why I hardly ever visit The West Bank when I go to Israel.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Johannesburg zoo.
DONALD TRUMP - Question. What’s Donald Trump’s favourite nation?
The joys of living in Richards Bay... Recently a gentleman from England was transferred to Richards Bay, here's his story... BE WARNED the wording gets a 'little' expressive towards the end... lol.
After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
"Dear Bruce, What happens with SAPS, is you go to the charge office in the vicinity of where the crime took place. I say we can easily go to SAPS Sea Point, because she carried out the crime from your premises’ server.
My sister-in-law is a bit weird. In the bedroom, she really likes it when my brother wears a suit, because she’s got this kinky fantasy where he actually has a proper job.
"James, I must tell you, I have some good news and some bad news.”
Q: Why do medical labs now use lawyers instead of rats for testing?
A lawyer wakes up from surgery, and asks: "Nurse, why are all the blinds drawn?"
A famous lawyer's son wanted to follow in his old man's footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated cum laude, and then joined his old man's law firm.
This guy goes to a brothel and asks the madame for her best girl. So the madame says to him her top-draw girl is Cindy, but she charges $10, 000 a time.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
At a travel agency in Shanghai , I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After 10 years,The wife starts to think their child looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
The genie slowly coalesces out of the lamp and addresses his finders.
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."
Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
A Ranger, a Naval officer and An Army officer are captured by a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
An average looking man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned.
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.
Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral.
John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John's grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs.
There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired about the weather forecast for the next few hours.
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed.
A 29 year old German man Demetrius Soupolos is suing his neighbour 34 year old Frank Maus for breach of contract after the latter failed to impregnate his wife in 72 different attempts to do so.
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 year-old son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money. He calls home.
School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
