When I was a 12 year old kid, my dad caught me curing a piece of salmon – so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke the whole packet.
I just had a near death experience this morning. I was five metres away when this sheep got hit by a minibus.
My wife worries a lot about me cheating on her on a night out with my mates, but I always try to reassure her and say to her:
'Why would I go out and have a burger when I can have steak at home night after night?'
The only problem is, when you are drunk, a burger can taste really really good.
A woman on the East Rand has just had the largest ever boob job to increase her breasts to 38KKK. She is one seriously dedicated racist.
When I die, I want my remains to go to my iPod, my iPhone and my laptop. I really just want to be left to my own devices.
Barry Varkel, an attorney of the High Court of South Africa and Solicitor of the Supreme Court of England and Wales.
Author of Nigiri Law