A woman walks into a post office and notices a middle-aged, well-dressed man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. As he seals each envelop he sprays it with a puff of perfume.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
These are actually things which people actually said in court, word for word.
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
A few stories from hospital doctors and staff: A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.
This happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock story, it's true.
A punter (gambler) was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
A balding, white haired man from Florida walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger woman at his side.
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Two Irishmen, Paddy and Mick, got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt Moose. They managed to bag six Moose. But as they were loading the plane, the pilot said he could carry only four Moose.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix something, he will. There is no need to bother him every six months about it!
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and ... inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
A really great story about men who made huge sacrifices for others and how these sacrifices made the world a better place for everyone else.
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:
Must be difficult keeping a straight face as a court reporter. We have seen these before, but there are one or two new ones and the rest well worth another read!
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearbycemetery.
The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets. Short & sweet! A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral a voice from inside shouts...
Judy Rudd an amateur genealogy researcher in south east Queensland, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that ex-Prime Minister Kevin Rudd’s great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889. Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor.
An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry, and was suing the lorry company, in court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making fellow steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The Unreasonable Mother-in-law
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
A Polish man moved to Australia and married an Aussie girl.. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.