I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, and then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece . The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time.
We've heard a lot recently about the Greek bailout package which is going to cost a fortune.......so here's an insight into how it works:
An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.
One night four university students were boozing till late night and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.
A White Lawyer and an Indian guy are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The white lawyer is thinking that Indians are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy...
Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
Suppose that every evening, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to R100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this: The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay R1. The sixth would pay R3. The seventh would pay R7. The eighth would pay R12. The ninth would pay R18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay R59. So, that's what they decided to do...
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind. Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.
Judge 3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.
Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
On a visit to Malawi, at the airport Mr Zuma is met by the country's Minister of Harbours. All of a sudden Mr Zuma realizes that this is absurd, this country has no harbours as it is landlocked. He is very puzzled and decides to find out what the story is.
On your colleague's PC, hold "Ctrl Alt" and the Right Arrow. The display should rotate 90 degrees to the right. It's quickly restored to the correct orientation with "Ctrl Alt" and Up Arrow. It does not work on all computers. Taken from the CellC Magazine - www.cellc.co.za
Jono Gibbs, Chiefs - "Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Answers given by 2nd year school children to the following questions: Why did God make mothers?
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Many more to follow...
After we were woken the other morning by plate glass being shattered and our personal belongings being removed from our living room, I said to my wife that we should beef up the security a tad.
I never knew this. Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? - Where do they go?
Great predictions on computers from some rather reputable sources: 'I think there is a world market for maybe five computers'
Seems that, after all these years, the romance and love just wasn't what it used to be for John and Jane. In an attempt to salvage their thirty years of marriage, Jane convinces her husband to see a marriage councillor with her.
Walking into the factory, the MD noticed a guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing. He calmly said to the young man, "How much do you earn?"
TEACHER: If I gave you 2 cats, another 2 cats and then another 2, how many will you have?
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, When 24 hours in a day is not enough; remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Cool car quotes from Jeremy Clarkson from the TV show Top Gear. He certainly has a way with words. Enjoy!
"I'd like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God." and "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... that's what gets you."
A man phones an attorney and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"
Did you kill the victim?
No, I did not.
Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Gamat sit in sy garage waar hy die laaste goed moet ontruim en bepeins sy lot. Hy't sy huis verloor, sy werk verloor en sy vrou het die kinders gevat en hom geskei. Hy sien 'n kas met wynbottels en loop soontoe.
Hy vat 'n lee bottel, smyt dit teen die muur en skel:
Ted and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ted fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ted was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"