LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
LAWYER: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
~
LAWYER: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man—
WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.
~
LAWYER: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
LAWYER: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I’m going with male.
~
LAWYER: What happened then?
WITNESS: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
LAWYER: Did he kill you?
WITNESS: No.
~
LAWYER: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
LAWYER: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
~
LAWYER: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
~
LAWYER: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?
WITNESS: No. He was wearing a mask.
LAWYER: What was he wearing under the mask?
WITNESS: Er…his face.
~
LAWYER: You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
~
LAWYER: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
~
LAWYER: Could you see him from where you were standing?
WITNESS: I could see his head.
LAWYER: And where was his head?
WITNESS: Just above his shoulders.
~
LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
~
LAWYER: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
~
LAWYER: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
LAWYER: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
~
LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
~
LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
~
LAWYER: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
LAWYER: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
~
LAWYER: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
~
LAWYER: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
WITNESS: The victim lived.
First appeared in BestLife magazine.
