A retired guy was standing in the long Saturday morning queue at his local Checkers — the kind where one till is open, another says “Next Please” but no one ever appears to man the till, and someone in front is arguing about their Smart Shopper points. He was holding a big bag of dog food.
The woman behind him leaned forward, glanced at the bag, and asked politely,
“Do you have a dog?”
He paused. What did she think — he had a lion from the Kruger in the backyard?
But he was retired, had nowhere to be, and the queue clearly wasn’t moving before Christmas… so he decided to have some fun.
“No,” he said seriously, “I don’t have a dog. I’m starting the “Hond-A-Diet” again.”
Her eyebrows shot up. A couple of people nearby leaned in slightly.
“It’s actually very effective,” he continued. “Last time I did it, I lost about 14 kilos. Very quickly too. But I ended up in hospital.”
Now she looked alarmed.
“In hospital?!”
“Oh yes,” he nodded. “Woke up in ICU. Tubes everywhere. IVs in both arms. Nurses calling me ‘sir’ every five minutes.”
By now the cashier had slowed down scanning, and the guy with a trolley full of braai meat was openly listening.
“The diet is simple,” he explained. “You keep dog pellets in your pockets. Every time you feel hungry, you just eat a few. It’s nutritionally balanced. High in protein. Very disciplined eating. Doesn’t taste as good as biltong sticks, but not as bad as you would imagine.”
The woman looked horrified.
“But… if it put you in hospital, why would you do it again?”
“Oh, the food didn’t make me sick,” he replied calmly.
“I stepped off the pavement into the road to sniff a Labrador’s backside… and a taxi took me out!”
