I recently applied for a job on the Western Cape High Court Bench. And you know what – I got the job! I was simply over the moon. My mother is so proud of me.
I can’t wait to share my joy with all of you, so here’s the transcript from the JSC (Judicial Service Commission) interview:
JSC Panel: “Mr Varkel, thank you so very much for applying for the position of Judge at the Western Cape High Court”.
Barry Varkel: “No worries, esteemed Panel. Thank you for permitting me to get so far in this interview process. It is a real honour to be here today. Did you know – I was the very first person in my family to graduate with a University degree”.
JSC Panel: “Oh. That’s lovely Mr Varkel. You must have done your family so very proud the day you were capped”.
Barry Varkel: “Yes, they were indeed so very proud of me. But did you know, my Baltic Russian Jewish grandfather could barely speak a word of English when he arrived in South Africa in the 1920’s, and he never went further than junior school. He decided he’d forgo any sort of formal education and become a carpenter at a young age – like Jesus – you know. So, he started out making furniture – cupboards and tables, then bigger cupboards and tables, then small Wendy Houses, then bigger Wendy Houses, then small brick houses, then bigger brick houses, then small blocks of flats, then bigger blocks of flats, then huge blocks of flats and he eventually went on to develop skyscrapers”.
JSC Panel: “What a wonderful anecdote Mr Varkel, just imagine if he had finished Junior School, then High School, then gone on to university and gotten a business degree and then an MBA. Imagine what he could have then gone on to become?”
Barry Varkel: “Yeah, he could have worked himself to death climbing the corporate ladder and gone on to become the biggest insane schmuck in South Africa tasked with trying to save Eskom”.
JSC Panel: “Hahahaha, it’s lovely to have someone here today with a sense of humour. The rest of the candidates were ever so dull. The Bench is awfully stiff these days and it definitely needs to lighten up a bit”.
Barry Varkel: “Yeah, that’s what I say. So, there are a few disclosures I ought to make – as you can see, I’m a post-op black transsexual”.
JSC Panel: “No worries Mr Varkel. The Bench is all about inclusivity”.
Barry Varkel: “And I’m also HIV+”.
JSC Panel: “Not a problem, Mr Varkel. As you well know, the Bench upholds the Constitution as the supreme law of the land and discrimination on any basis whatsoever is simply not permitted”.
Barry Varkel: “It’s also very noticeable I’m a cripple in a wheelchair – sorry Panel – I mean, I have special needs”.
JSC Panel: “That is perfectly fine Mr Varkel – as you saw on your way up – the Western Cape High Court is fitted with the latest state-of-the-art ramps and rails and has all the special needs’ equipment to make your stay here as comfortable as possible”.
Barry Varkel: “I also take medication for bi-polar disorder and I’ve been hospitalised quite a few times for chronic-sexually-deviant-psychotic behaviour”.
JSC Panel: “We’re all insane here, Mr Varkel. Just make sure you take your daily prescribed meds and…”
Barry Varkel: “Just one last thing, Panel – there is currently a striking-off application and criminal indictment against me for theft of R 8M in client funds from my law-firm’s trust account”.
JSC Panel: “You should never have told us that, Mr Varkel. But, never mind. What’s done is done. In the past. Over. We’ll take care of that small niggling problem – don’t worry about a thing. So, without further ado – we wish you a warm welcome to the Western Cape High Court Bench”.
Barry Varkel, an attorney of the High Court of South Africa and Solicitor of the Supreme Court of England and Wales.
Author of Nigiri Law and Goy Vey
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