Christmas gifts for politicians in South Africa

Malusi Gigaba – My xmas gift for Malusi Gigaba is a real wife – one who comes wrapped up in a beautiful box who, when you unwrap the box, and take her out, she will go on TV and cry and and perform and call you terrible names for cheating on her with a teenage mistress and for fondling yourself in front of the entire nation. 

The current wife Gigaba has is not a real wife. She is some sort of heartless ANC factory manufactured android which Gigaba got for xmas last year. Someone got it as a gift on black Friday 2017 and re-gifted it to Gigaba that xmas.


Floyd Shivambu
My xmas gift for Floyd Shivambu is a chronic medication script to take care of his unique condition called “I-lie-I-get-fatter”.
Shivambu could possibly get an illegal stash of the drug from Adv. Dali Mpofu, as I hear they hand these pills out like smarties over the counter at the JHB and Pretoria bar.


Patricia de Lille
My xmas gift for Patricia de Lille is a day-glo health and safety vest, so that she is no longer invisible.


John Steenhuisen
My xmas gift for John Steenhuisen is a voucher for a full free year of grade 7 bantu education.


Cyril Ramaphosa
My xmas gift for Cyril Ramaphosa is a personality.
Personalities are however in very short supply these days and there are no living donors.
You don’t get one for getting 34 helpless and poor miners shot.
Nor can you trade in your entire mining share portfolio for a personality.
Ramaphosa’s xmas tree will sadly be bare this year.


Contributed by:
Barry Varkel, an attorney of the High Court of South Africa and Solicitor of the Supreme Court of England and Wales.
Author of Nigiri Law


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