Nicole Kidman

Xmas is definitely a time for giving. 

And because 2020 was total hell for most celebs – in terms of them having had to reluctantly hunker down and be out of the endless spotlight, I thought it only right and fair to send them some proper Xmas gifts.   

Julius Malema:
I’m giving Julius Malema an honorary lifetime membership at the Gardens’ Synagogue.  With charity being a cornerstone of Judaism – he can then hand over all the cash he schlentered from VBS Bank and go straight to heaven.

Johnny Depp:
I’m giving Johnny Depp a bottle of grey goose vodka and a high-dose prescription of self-loathing meds – so he can self-harm and then sue his shrink.  

Maradona:
If I were able to travel back in time to the 1986 quarter final in Mexico, I’d have chopped off Maradona’s left arm just before the game, and then have fitted him with a defective Chinese manufactured prosthesis.

Thandi Modise:
I’m handing Thandi a year’s supply of juicy Woolies’ ham sandwiches right before she is about to go on stage to deliver the headline speech at the 2020 Animal Anti-Cruelty League AGM.

Biden:
I’m giving Joe Biden back his memory – so he can remember Trump is the guy he beat in the US 2020 election.

Raymond Zondo:
I’m giving Raymond Zondo the Zoom-Pinocchio-lie-kit software program and a 5-star Grand Cayman beach holiday voucher – so he can well spend his precious time on a far better purpose in 2021.

Angelo Agrizzi:
I’m giving Angelo Agrizzi an indefinite supply of surgical stitches – so he can stitch up his own fake bleeding-heart right from his own ICU bed.

Contributed by:
Barry Varkel, an attorney of the High Court of South Africa and Solicitor of the Supreme Court of England and Wales.
Author of Nigiri Law and Goy Vey

1 COMMENT

  1. Its a shame there isn’t a shop where you can buy personalities and common sense as i would do all my Christmas shopping 1 stop… This covid epidemic has proved a few thing’s sportsman and celebs we can and have done without just goes to show dont need em

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