Judge Glitterati

Venue: The International Court of Arbitration in the neutral city state of Jerusalem.

Plaintiff: United States of AmericaCanadaMexico

Defendant: Federal Republic of ChinaHongKongMacau

Nature of claim: US$ 10BN damages lawsuit for the wrongful death of 5,000 Caucasian United States of AmericaCanadaMexico indentured employees killed while working on a ChinaHongKongMacau owned plutonium mine in the Freed African Republic of Congoland.

Counsel for the Plaintiff: Hyman Goodschtupp of Weiss, Yentz, Rifkind and Potz, Manhattan.

Counsel for the Defendant: Eve Moshe Cohen of Ang-Shis-Lee and Partners, Beijing

Judge: The Right Honourable Justice Gary Glitterati.


Judge Gary Glitterati: Good morning Counsellors. Welcome to the International Court of Arbitration. I believe we should “rock n’ roll”.  May we please begin with opening statements. Ms Cohen, would you like to go first?

Eve Moshe Cohen: Yes, Your Excellency, I am ready to proceed.  

What we are dealing with here, your Excellency, is a very simple case of attempted extortion by a sovereign state of my client, the Defendant. The Plaintiff – the United States of AmericaCanadaMexico – the apparent last remaining world super-power, at least in its mind, is simply trying to bully my client into paying for human lives which they themselves deemed useless in the first place. 

Let’s be perfectly honest here, Your Excellency, and I will quote from one of the Plaintiff’s fellow city state of Hollywood’s celluloid fodder, a feature film entitled Django Unchained – where the oppressed slave character, Django, rises up against his masters and poignantly states to his enslaver, Big John Brittle, after shooting him in the heart: “I like the way you die, boy”.  

The Plaintiff’s Caucasian lives were indentured to my client – under a US$ 3BN contract to supply labour to my client on its plutonium mine for a fixed term of fifteen years, or death, whichever event came sooner, Your Excellency, death has happened sooner, and Plaintiff has been paid in full by Defendant. 

It is also worth pointing out – the labour force was a complete nothingness to Plaintiff – not even deemed human by Plaintiff.  The aviation transport facilities from Plaintiff’s indentured labour compound on the upper Hudson River to the Freed African Republic of Congoland compound of my client, made the slave ships of the 1600’s from Africa to the New World look like luxury ocean liners. You cannot have it both ways, Your Excellency. 

Your Excellency will also note, in Ancient Roman Law, the labour force would have been properly called a “res” – meaning an object – for example: beasts of burden such as mules, hired by one farmer to another farmer to work the second farmer’s land. 

I will quote from one of the great thinkers of the 21st century, a super-genius comedian by the name of Sir Stewart Lee, who lived prosperously in the City State of London:

And John took me by the elbow and he led me, kind of politely, away from the group, and he said to me, “Clearly Judas — clearly — Jesus is clearly setting out to fulfil the prophecy. Clearly.”  Now, John was the sort of person who would use the word ‘clearly’ repeatedly in a sentence as if that relieved him of the responsibility of actually making what it was he was saying clear. You probably know someone like that”.     

And I know someone exactly like that Your Excellency – Counsel for Plaintiff over there – he will use the word “clearly” over and over again when he makes his submissions to the Court – just as he did in his client’s statement of claim, by shamelessly trying to fool the Court into being persuaded there is to be some merit in his client’s measurelessly deceitful claim.

In conclusion – Your Excellency – there is simply no right of action, no legal basis in contract or tort for Plaintiff’s claim, and I request the Court to impeach it, as the good people of the former United States of America, had the common sense presence of mind in 2020 to impeach its very last low-IQ President, Mr Donald “Carrot Top” Trump.   

Thank you, Your Excellency, those are my client’s opening submissions.

…to be continued

Android Lawyer Part I
Android Lawyer Part III

Contributed by:
Barry Varkel, an attorney of the High Court of South Africa and Solicitor of the Supreme Court of England and Wales.
Author of Nigiri Law and Goy Vey
Buy Barry’s books now and have them delivered to your door.

4 COMMENTS

  1. Always pushing the boundaries Mr Varkel! Really pissed at the to be continued part, that is as Hollywood as this piece gets, for that reason , you are forgiven and I will continue to read part 2! Make sure you impress us !!!

  2. I dunno but I like it. Starting out with a pic of albino and ethics deficient Uncle Tom Clarence Thomas, the author delves into the minutuae of a trial wif its cunting lawyers.

    I was hoping for a guest appearance by Gatis Van Wyk, Esq but hes still beating his wife in Orania. Shame.

    However I was treated to a witty repartee of criminal procedure.

    Always learning something wif a smile when cunting lawyers write smart n funny.

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