Hyman Goodschtupp

Venue: The International Court of Arbitration in the neutral city state of Jerusalem.

Plaintiff: United States of AmericaCanadaMexico
Defendant: Federal Republic of ChinaHongKongMacau

Nature of claim: US$ 10BN damages lawsuit for the wrongful death of 5,000 Caucasian United States of AmericaCanadaMexico indentured employees killed while working on a ChinaHongKongMacau owned plutonium mine in the Freed African Republic of Congoland.

Counsel for the Plaintiff: Hyman Goodschtupp of Weiss, Yentz, Rifkind and Potz, Manhattan.

Counsel for the Defendant: Eve Moshe Cohen of Ang-Shis-Lee and Partners, Beijing

Judge: The Right Honourable Justice Gary Glitterati.

  – Resumption of Arbitration –  

Judge Gary Glitterati: Thank you Ms Cohen for your most fascinating and entertaining opening statement. I trust Mr Goodschtupp will avail himself of equitable eloquence and artistry. 

Eve Moshe Cohen: Thank you, Your Excellency, I have no doubt Mr Goodschtupp will make good. He is indeed the most competitive and inconsolable anti-female and exultant misogynistic male lawyer I have ever encountered, and so it is certainly clear he will clearly do his client proud. Clearly, he will.  

Hyman Goodschtupp: Good morning, Your Excellency. It is a clear pleasure to be in your Court. Clearly. If I may commence by saying – his Excellency clearly ought to try the hummus and tahina dips during the lunch recess. They were especially flown in this morning by Amazon’s Inter-Galactic Drone and Drug Trafficking Service and sponsored by this Court’s biggest groupie – The Chassidic Association of Independent Conflict Diamond Dealers, based in the West African Federal Republic of Charles Taylor. 

Judge Gary Glitterati: I thank you for your invitation to indulge. I most certainly will. Clearly. Please proceed with your opening statement, Mr Goodschtupp.

Hyman Goodschtupp: Your Excellency – I am grateful to Ms Cohen for her stirring opening statement, which was clearly entertaining and fascinating, without her losing her own unique eloquence and artistry. However, what Ms Cohen seems to ignore is the unknown risk her client put my client’s indentured labour force at. I quote from 20th century city State of Hollywood – Lord Mel Brooks’ speech in the History of the World, Part 1, where the Leader of the Senate says: 

“All fellow members of the Roman Senate hear me. Shall we continue to build palace after palace for the rich? Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build decent housing for the poor? How does the Senate vote?

To which the entire Senate replies: 

“F**k the poor”.

That is clearly the Defendant’s attitude Your Excellency. Inasmuch as Ms Cohen may clearly wish – and I might add in the most rancorous, and poisonously female harridan manner – to ridicule and lampoon the sterling efforts of my client to house and transport the indentured labour force to her client’s compound, such cynical allegations are simply untrue. In the words of Lord Steven Wright, a 20th century United States of AmericaCanadaMexico Boston based comic philosopher:

“There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot”.

There can be no case of attempted extortion by my client of the Defendant. There can clearly be no bullying by my client of the Defendant to pay for human lives which my client never, ever, forever never deemed useless in the first place, Your Excellency. 

Possible and potential death by plutonium poisoning was a risk never explained to my client’s labour force – an unforetold, unforeseen, and most unfair risk. Death came after three meagre years. For Ms Cohen’s client to allege Plaintiff has been paid in full by Defendant is red-hot slander – something Ms Cohen clearly proffers up for all to see. 

In conclusion – Your Excellency – there is a right of action, there is clearly a clear legal basis in fact for Plaintiff’s claim, and I request the Court to condone it, to applaud it, to shout it out from the roof-tops of the still standing Mar-a-Lago holiday resort, of the former United States of America’s, most genius and high-IQ President, Mr Donald “Tremendous” Trump.   

Thank you, Your Excellency, those are my client’s opening submissions.

…to be continued

Android Lawyer Part I
Android Lawyer Part II

Contributed by:
Barry Varkel, an attorney of the High Court of South Africa and Solicitor of the Supreme Court of England and Wales.
Author of Nigiri Law and Goy Vey
Buy Barry’s books now and have them delivered to your door.

3 COMMENTS

  1. My fellow south africans lend me your ears……. lol dont forget due diligence.
    I think a counter case against the workers and family for gross stupidity….three

  2. There is coherence in this series and I must applaud the author for that – the writing is intriguing. His work is slightly above me, so much that I find myself – a less read faultfinder – inadequate to critique his offering.
    But…I think I should summon my courage and spill my mind and tackle this intellectual giant’s one blind spot. If I am crucified for it, so be it. He certainly is an accomplished writer with a flair for the comic. But he has deprived his characters of the wit that he exudes. For this kind of setting, one would expect the characters to be more polished and lucid. Poor Ms Cohen. She should have had more chutzpa and be more detailed in the her attack given the fact that she is tackling a robed chauvinist on an international stage. I expected the animosity and salacious accusations (of a personal nature) to immerse the court, prompting the judge to call for an early…adjournment. The (not so) honourable Hyman Goodschtupp should not disappoint. He should do what creatures of his ilk are wont to do – be boisterous. The judge should have his hands full with these two… He should emerge from his chambers after doing God-knows-what bubblier but less brainy. After all, law is not about law.
    I can’t wait for the next instalment

  3. The Right Honourable Justice Gary Glitterati: “It is unnecessary for counsel for the Plaintiff to fruitlessly exert himself any further. This Court has the obligation to dispense justice equitably in line with the changing social justice memes of our era. As exemplified by the noble efforts of activist groups like Antifa and BLM, redress of past and present aberrations of fairness and equity is long overdue. The small sacrifice made by the USMCA indentured labour force in the Congo is but a small down payment on what should be the reconstitution in perpetuity of the human rights and freeloading lifestyle of all previously disadvantaged sufferers- living and as yet unborn. We should not rest until every one of them has a Mercedes in the driveway.
    China/Hong Kong/Macau has to be commended for their proactive role in seeking human rights and should be able to procure vast numbers of irredeemables at Trump rallies as indentured labour fodder to continue this noble effort and thereby also find redemption and atonement for their sins through the sweat of their brows and expendable lives. The defendant is awarded full costs plus a new 500 S Class Mercedes and Plaintiff shall bear all costs of litigation. “

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