Cosy Bay Covid Thoughts by Barry Varkel

There’s an old Jewish joke about a telegram being sent which goes like this:
“Start worrying. Details to follow”.

“Passes” and certain “identifying marks” do not make certain groups of people in and outside South Africa feel safe. And the idea of a vaccine passport will make those very same groups and many other like-minded people feel just the same way.

Let’s just get this straight before you judge me:

  1. The disease Covid exists – my cousin in London was the first person in my family to die from it in March 2020. My elder brother in Cape Town landed up in hospital on oxygen with it in June 2020, but survived with slightly more brain damage than he had before admission.
  2. I am not against so-called covid vaccines.
  3. I believe everyone can make up their very own minds if they want to put these/any other chemicals in their bodies.
  4. I had swine flu in 2010 which apparently gives me super immunity.
  5. So, I’m taking my chances.
  6. When I’m in hospital gasping for air you can have a big jolly laugh at my expense – and I’ll splutteringly join in with you.

Before covid, we used to take massive risks in life: crossing the street; driving on South African highways; meeting someone new and going home with them after a six pack of vodka; having a Shabbat dinner with your parents and holding yourself back while being so very close to machete sharp cutlery; ordering take-out from that Chinese restaurant near the Gardens Centre where the rats are bigger than the Chihuahuas they steam up and put in their signature Chihuahua chow-mein Jewish special priced meal deal.

Now, I never have to leave my home: I can have imaginary sex on sites like OnlyFans with beautiful women I know from around the paralegal industry who lost their normal 9 to 5 jobs and who now try make ends meet in any which way they can. I can order everything in and endlessly watch Netflix until my heart explodes from processed food or I get fatal deep vein thrombosis from not getting up for days on end.

Johnny Depp lost his libel case in London against a tabloid newspaper. Zuma got arrested, imprisoned and then released after 6 weeks on medical parole; Harvey Weinstein went to cheider (prison) for the rest of his life for not even having had penetrative sex with any of his female victims; Derek Chauvin at one point in the trial looked like he stood a chance of being acquitted of the murder of George Floyd; YouTube flagged my channel and took me on because I made a comedy video about Darth Vader’s narrow-minded taste in big breasted women.

The world is one big sh*t-show. Simply forget about political correctness gone mad.

So, when restaurants say I cannot enter because I don’t have a vaccine passport; or the cinema says I cannot come in and watch a Hollywood bollocks d-grade “blockbuster” movie and stand in a queue to buy wine gums at the price of a small car; or I cannot watch the Bokke cheat their way to walloping England at Greenpoint stadium, then I will just have to stay at home and, like Mohammed, bring the mountain to me.

In one of my favourite movies, Talk Radio, directed by Oliver Stone, main character Barry Champlain who plays a late-night radio talk-show host says to his listeners:
“Yes, the world is a terrible place. Yes, cancer and garbage disposals will get you. Yes, a war is coming. Yes, the world is shot to hell and you’re all goners. Everything’s screwed up and you like it that way don’t you? You’re fascinated by the gory details. You’re mesmerised by your own fear. You revel in floods and car accidents, unstoppable diseases. You’re happiest when others are in pain. That’s where I come in, isn’t it? I’m here to lead you by the hands through the dark forest of your own hatred and anger and humiliation. I’m providing a public service. You’re so scared. You’re like a little child under the covers. You’re afraid of the boogeyman, but you can’t live without him.”

Contributed by:
Barry Varkel, an attorney of the High Court of South Africa and Solicitor of the Supreme Court of England and Wales.
Author of Nigiri Law and Goy Vey

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