Lady Justice

Venue: The International Court of Arbitration in the neutral city state of Jerusalem.

Plaintiff: United States of AmericaCanadaMexico

Defendant: Federal Republic of ChinaHongKongMacau

Nature of claim: US$ 10BN damages lawsuit for the wrongful death of 5,000 Caucasian United States of AmericaCanadaMexico indentured employees killed while working on a ChinaHongKongMacau owned plutonium mine in the Freed African Republic of Congoland.

Counsel for the Plaintiff: Hyman Goodschtupp of Weiss, Yentz, Rifkind and Potz, Manhattan.

Counsel for the Defendant: Eve Moshe Cohen of Ang-Shis-Lee and Partners, Beijing

Judge: The Right Honourable Justice Gary Glitterati.

– Resumption of Arbitration: Plaintiff’s first witness –  

Judge Gary Glitterati: Thank you Ms Cohen and Mr Goodschtupp for laying out the extent of your clients’ respective cases. I must say, before we start with any witnesses, Ms Cohen, I am tending to be persuaded by Mr Goodschtupp – there is in fact merit in his client’s case.

Eve Moshe Cohen: Are you joking, Your Excellency, saying something like that? I mean have you made up your mind already? Has his client perhaps bought you a US$ 10M property next door to Mar-a-Lago in South Florida? Or was it perhaps the idea of wolfing down mouth-watering hummus and tahina dips during lunch that pushed you over the edge? This is simply outrageous – the Court coming to such a conclusion on Plaintiff’s Counsel’s ridiculous opening statements, before hearing one shred of evidence. 

Judge Gary Glitterati: Ms Cohen, please control yourself. This is a Court of Law. If you persist with such insults to this Court, I will hold you in contempt.

Eve Moshe Cohen: Judge, I mean Your Excellency, any Judicial Oversight committee in the world, even in the most feeble City State of Manhattan, would chastise you for making such a statement as to Plaintiff’s preposterous lawsuit at this stage of the Arbitration. 

Hyman Goodschtupp: I clearly believe Ms Cohen misunderstood you, Your Excellency. Clearly, she did.

Eve Moshe Cohen: No, Mr Goodschtupp, I misunderstood nothing. To quote the thicko verbiage of your former United States of America alleged most genius and high-IQ President Trump: “this is not terrific – this is out of control; this is weak, this is not classy – this borders on fake news”. Your Excellency, my client will not stand for it. Once you have heard all the evidence, of course – come to a conclusion – but to do it now? This will not make this Court great again.

Judge Gary Glitterati: If you wish to lodge a complaint against me Ms Cohen, or bring a misguided motion for my recusal, on account of any perceived bias on your client’s part, please be my guest. If not, please stand down and let Mr Goodschtupp call his first witness.

Hyman Goodschtupp: The Plaintiff calls former AmericaCanadaMexico Vice President, Mike Hunt, to the stand.

Eve Moshe Cohen: Your Excellency, I must object again. First of all, Mike Hunt was not even on the Plaintiff’s witness list. Nor can I see what value Mike Hunt can add to Plaintiff’s case. I mean he had no connection to Plaintiff’s client at the time the indentured labour deal was done with my client and, as far as I understand it, he currently suffers from dementia. For the love of god, are we in a courtroom or a mental asylum?

Hyman Goodschtupp: Your Excellency, I can assure you Mike Hunt is, as they say in San Francisco’s Tenderloin neighbourhood, clearly fully functional – in the neurological department – clearly. To quote the former Chinese President Xi Jinping, or President Eleven as we liked to call him: my client brought Mike Hunt to give evidence at this arbitration so my client can swat flies and beat tigers and bring this matter to a speedy conclusion. He was a consultant to my client at the time the indentured labour deal was done with the defendant. As Bruce Springsteen sang in Thunder Road: “It’s a town full of losers/And I’m pulling out of here to win”.

Judge Gary Glitterati: My ruling is: the Court will decide as to Mike Hunt’s mental capacity and the relevance of his evidence. Please proceed with leading your witness, Mr Goodschtupp.     

…to be continued

Android Lawyer Part I
Android Lawyer Part II
Android Lawyer Part III

Contributed by:
Barry Varkel, an attorney of the High Court of South Africa and Solicitor of the Supreme Court of England and Wales.
Author of Nigiri Law and Goy Vey
Buy Barry’s books now and have them delivered to your door.

2 COMMENTS

  1. Quite a bunch of characters you have flying around in that court room! I think that humus has helped build quite a good shtupp!!! for Cohen and pals!

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

1 × two =